Sunday, December 14, 2008

"Hostel" Takeover

Bijou Phillips wasn't really my favorite actress before, mainly because she always had so much irritating nepotism constantly surrounding her, being the daughter-of-John-Phillips formerly dating the son-of-John-Lennon and now dating the brother-of-that-dude-from-Malcolm-in-the-Middle. She's almost as bad as Casey Affleck marrying Summer Phoenix.

But she's gone up in my book after today's LA Times profile, half of which is spent raving about how much better LA is than New York City. Now, we here at Nobody Walks in LA like NYC very much, but are really weary of New Yorkers (and San Franciscans, for that matter) setting up a ridiculous us-versus-them dichotomy -- so we get kind of a kick when someone does it on our team.

The best part, though, is longtime New York media habitue Choire Sicha's responses:

Phillips: I drive this big truck around L.A. So my life's, like, pretty odd compared to most people. Very rural. I live in the Los Feliz area so I drive through Griffith Park to the other side -- you can ride all through Griffith Park, you have 55 miles of trails. It's horse paradise where I live! That's why L.A. is so great! I get to New York in the winterand you can't do anything. It's fine if you don'tmind sitting in your apartment doing nothing and you don't mind having dinner and seeing a movie-- it's so boring! There's no activities. In L.A., in an hour you can be in Big Bear skiing. In 45 minutes you can be on the beach in a wetsuit. See? It's better here. You can go on a hike all year round! It smells like sage and magical plants and pepper trees!

Sicha: Oh, man.

Phillips: The worst part about New York is you have to live in a little box. In L.A., you can look at a tree and maybe some grass. Maybe you live at the bottom of Runyon and you can leave your place and go for a walk and you can have a dog. And if you already have a dog, it'll be happier! It's just overall better.

Sicha: I guess!

Phillips: And you still have all the arts! All the stuff that's in New York is in L.A. All the same bands play. All the art exhibits come. So you can't say, "Oh, it's because of the arts." If you want to go to the theater? There's only so many plays, and they're all on for years, so you can go to New York for a couple weeks. So there's no reason to be in New York. Unless it's friends. And they don't want to be there either. So you can get all your friends to move to L.A. Probably 90% of all your good friends have already moved to L.A. Who would want to come back to a dark box on a loud busy street with construction and debris? Your apartment is so small and filled with coats and jackets and gloves and scarves -- and accessories are cluttering everything and it's miserable. And even if you go out, it's small! Even the massage parlors are small! Everything is small!

Hey, don't blow your word count with those responses there, Choire. It's like he's so dumbfounded by the idea that someone could live in both places and like Los Angeles better that he's lost all powers of speech.
See what I mean? Really, Choire, it's okay to agree with a positive statement or two about Los Angeles. We'll still believe that you're keepin' it East Coast Real.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Open Letter to Kanye West

Dear Kanye:

A few people have alerted me to this track from your new album, 808s and Heartbreak. It's a fairly wordy song with a lot of lyrics to scroll through, so I'll just post the relevant part:

You spoiled little LA girl
You´re just an LA girl
You spoiled little LA girl
You´re just an LA girl
You spoiled little LA girl
You´re just an LA girl (you need to stop it now)
You spoiled little LA girl
You´re just an LA girl (you need to stop it now)

Thanks, Kanye. I have no idea if your ex-fiancee was particularly spoiled or not, although I never saw her storming fashion awards shows bawling that she was an award's rightful winner. But regardless, our city is a diverse, beautiful city, and shouldn't be treated as an adjective connoting spoiled behavior. Since you live here, you should know that's just a done-before stereotype. Again, let's see if this works when you substitute another city:

You're just a Portland girl
You spoiled little Portland girl

Meh. See what I mean? It's a tired cliche, and you don't seem to be about tired cliches, so stop it. Plus I'm guessing your lady didn't live this lifestyle before she met you, so perhaps this:

You're just a Chicago boy
You spoiled little Chicago boy

...might be more appropriate. Oh, and also?

That was done before too. Kthxbai.
Nobody Walks in LA